Heather Gold

9 Responses to Forbes' 9 Reasons to not marry a career women

Forbes‘ article. Sadly, the slideshow has been taken down.

1. It’s getting tougher to outsource well-being.
2. Why write about your feelings when you can cite economic theory?
3. Increased demand and illegible personal ads make it harder than ever to get hot illiterate chicks.
4. Author Michael Noer now gets coveted cable talk show guest slot opposite Maureen Dowd
5. Isn’t it cool that a male editor of a business magazine has now argued publicly that happiness is really the most important thing?
6. One less guy I have to compete with for Angelina Jolie.
7. Why create sustainable work and lives when we can have so much more fun fighting over what little time we have together now?
8. Forbes offers GPS mate-tracker with every subscription renewal.
9. Hey, if you guys are done with that marriage thing, mind passing it over here?

Happy Pride

For 5 years I’ve been interviewing women on the day of the Dyke March and asking: what’s your memory of the first time a girl made you feel squishy inside?

I play with makeup for the first time

Guys, if you wanna be a player

Some of this stuff seemed pretty obvious to me, even to the point of being cliché. But after I posted it to a list I’m on, quite a few guys emailed me to thank me. So I’m putting it up in the event you might find it helpful. I wrote it because a sad guy had posted his “stats” on how many women he’d approached and asked out etc. In a moment of sadness and frustration he was looking for advice on how to be a player; how to get women to sleep with him and how to have a meaningful relationship.

• You will always be better at being you than someone else or a “player” (which is to be disingenuous and therefore someone else)
• If you want your Self to feel loved, and not a front, you need to share it.
• Meaningful relationships are not a matter of volume. Hitting on more chicks will not get you a more lasting relationship.
• Self-acceptance is the start of happiness.
• It’s easier/possible to accept others as they are once you accept you for who you are.
• Therapy and honesty with others will move your life forward.
• Sexuality is healthier and more sustainable as a “byproduct” of relating meaningfully, just like profit is the same with honest
  business.

Duke sports team / rape

1. I’m thrilled about the support the black community in Durham is showing the victim, and I’m very glad the racist and class aspects of the story are being discussed nationally.
2. Are the racial and class aspects driving the story? If the victim were a white woman and only another ho hum story about a woman being raped by college athletes would it have been reported and would anyone in the media care or report it? How many other rapes do you think have happened at Duke this year? Unwanted sexual contact and intercourse happens commonly, but only in these exceptional circumstances (and with this exceptionally brave reporting to police) do we hear about it. I’m not sure that law suits or even criminalizing it is the best way to deal with this public epidemic.
3. Why isn’t there more press about the fact that one of these defendants has already been convicted of gay bashing? Read this posting on Colin Finnerty for more.
4. Why do they keep referring to the victim / complainant as a stripper? (6/12/06 You can see an explanation in the comments below and my acceptance of the commentator’s correction, if not the commentator’s tone)
5. If there hadn’t been a reported rape, but other details of the party had gotten to Duke administrators and players parents (ie.the team having a team function with strippers as entertainment and yelling that they’d like to f them with a broomstick), what would have been the reaction, if any?

There was a parallel incident when I was at Yale. It was never reported to police and I don’t think it went as far as this one did. A fraternity which was based off-campus had a party for which they hired a stripper. They ended up hiring a prostitute instead of a stripper and some of the guys had sex with her with the group chanting. Word spread because people happened to hear the noise and look in and see what was going on. I think some of the guys talked about it and I remember that the dudes who had sex with her bragged about it. They were on a varsity team too.
When I heard about it I wondered if the woman was raped. I certainly felt like the setting was about 3 inches away from gang rape if it wasn’t already happening. I was very involved as an activist advocating around rape and sexual assault issues on campus. I had organized a women’s self-defense class for the campus and in the process had ended up hearing dozens and dozens of sexual asssault and rape stories first-hand from women on campus. I had had my own experiences which showed me how easily this could happen. It made me incredibly sad, and angry to see and feel how common this was. I ended up on the campus Sexual Harassment Grievence Board which I found very effective, contrary to what Naomi Wolf has said about it. But being at a campus like Yale or Duke, there’s this status and class-connected feeling of safety for many. You can feel the white, upper-middle class thing happening “everything looks good, so it must be good here.” To challenge that idea, the story an institution or family or person tells about themselves is really threatening. Because if this could happen here, what else could? But the scariest question is not “what else could happen here?” but “What already happened to make this possible?”

Why did Colin Finnerty gay bash a man in Georgetown? Why was the easiest way for this woman to make money stripping? Why did she let herself go back in the house? Assualt and rape so often repeat themselves. I believe people are primed.

The frat audience sex incident motivated me to organize the first modern pan-fraternity meeting at Yale. This was not a strategy most of my feminist activist peers were taking (and there weren’t very many of us, contrary to the popular image in the press). I believe it’s important to involve the teams in making this situation better. The group dynamic can go both ways. All it takes is one or two leaders with a different kind of awareness to steer the situation in a different direction. Of course my experience was in the late 80s, before every other music video and rap song, not to mention the way most guys seem to learn about sex in America: p8rn.

Generally when things blow up this big, like the latest rape at Duke, it’s because there have been systemic problems for a while and then, finally, one symbolic event comes along and rips the cover off the mess, just like Hurricane Katrina did. In my four years at Yale I think there was something like one rape reported to the campus police. I know from number of rapes and assaults I heard about first-hand and other creepy things I learned about on the Grievance Board that this is a ridiculously low number. For someone to go not just to campus police but city police is unusual. For a black woman to have gone to them (I’m just imagining some historically deserved mistrust here) and had a physical exam, this *very* unusual and not casually done.

Cookie at Kansas University Medical Centre

Cookie at Kansas University Medical Centre

I just got back from KUMC where I performed Cookie for a packed and enthusiastic audience. Here I’m dancing near the end of the show with a biochemistry professor who dipped me almost to the ground. This was part of their diversity presentations. There are no out GLBT students at the school and it is unconstitutional for queer folk to marry in Kansas. They continue, however, to be patents.

Almost everyone in the room raised thier hand when I asked them if they knew anyone gay. Things are so so much better than the media makes you think. I told them I want to be watching “little channel of regular people” which is, I guess, what this b/vlog and the Net are becoming. But Kansas still does have it’s issues, like the fact that there;s a real debate over teaching evolution in the states schools. My host their told me that 70% of the Kansas population is in KC Lawrence and Wichita and it’s the 30% with more land in rural areas that have the political sway because of districting.

I love baking Cookies for the red states.

queer tricks for straight chicks

Jenny Traig hosted a fabulous Seder that included accents, fake teeth, dice and plague cards. I was riffing on the ways that men and women drive each other insane and here are the results. (duration 2min:45)

Watch Video

I was videotaping for this vlog when one of the Seder guests turned the camera on me. I’m not sure it’s exactly Queer Tricks for Straight Chicks, but I like the sound of it. This episode includes fun references lots of sexual acts, what a man really wants and Maureen Dowd.

Jenny is the author of, among other things, the craftastic book Judaikitsch. I highly recommend it.

Calgon, Arnold take me away!

Is it really that surprising that Arnold won the California recall election?

It’s just the lastest stage in an ongoing trend. It started with Reagan and then the Bushes and now Arnold. Each Republican figurehead seems to only need to be able to speak fewer and fewer words as they go along. This one can only say three words in a row. Truth is, Arnold doesn’t have to say much. It’s all about his image.

The recall election has proven that clear policy positions and debates and full sentences aren’t really necessary to hold a leadership position. We’ve already given up on people following through. Better to say less and mean it, than talk, talk, talk or whine, whine, whine.

Arnold means: ‘I am big, masculine, tough, self-made immigrant. Uh.’

He’s butch in a way people are nostalgic for. That’s the secret of Republican success. We want an authority figure who’s gonna get things done, kick ass, take no prisoners. Something that happens with hard, forceful consonants, or in three syllables.

People are longing for a time when one person’s toughness can just make it all go away.

‘I vill be daddy of California. I vill be tough and make the bad people and your budget nightmare go avay.’

That’s all he has to say. Sexual harassment? Isn’t that part of any A list action movie star’s compensation package? Sexual appetite only adds to daddy cred. Nazi father? It only makes him tougher.

But here’s the catch. We have to reap what we sew. And if we think that the new lowest common denomoinator in politics is Arnold Schwarzenneger, we are sadly mistaken.

It’s going to get much much lower.

A monster truck will be the next governer of California.

Who needs a person? They’ll just disappoint us. They’ll get corrupt, they’ll have affairs, they’ll lose their hair and muscle tone.

Arianna tried to paint Arnold’s Hummer as a giant liability. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

A car named for a blow job? Arnold should watch out. I’d say that’s California’s governer in 2006.

‘ heather gold, Oct. 2003 www.subvert.com

Reply to Curious (or Beginner Aversion)

don’t let that scare you off
women are just more aesthetically pleasing
is there a money-back guarantee
on this test drive?
I get 10 days, right?
your skin’s so soft
your skin’s so soft
I never knew it could feel this way
show me what to do
carry me
I’m so light
it’s just my baggage that’s heavy
we’ll send a porter for it
is this ok? is it, is it?
you want me to put what on?
your skin’s so soft
God I’m free
yes, yes, yes, yes
i’m so scared
yes, yes, yes, yes
it feels so right
not in that Debby Boone way
love me
touch me
stamp my passport

no after death cigarette
a different kind of repose
frozen
prostrate
head rushing somewhere else
far away
what would tracey think?
what would my boyfriend think?
what would mum and dad think?
giggle giggle
go out for breakfast?
frown frown
lose my civil rights
I want to have a wedding shower
with Aunt Phyllis too
I don’t hate men
It’s all so new
this land of Oz
there’s no place like home
It didn’t feel the same
what does all this mean?
just come visit me late one night
your skin’s so soft
come on Toto

Business Bondage

I was one of the 1.5 million watching the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade this weekend. As I watched the S/M contingent, I couldn’t help but think of my friend–let’s call him Mark–who just took his first hard core sales job. After an enthusiastic courtship and productive two weeks, his boss has decided that he needs to wear something around his neck.

Mark knows that once you put on a tie, you’re a “suit.” Your entire self gets identified by the clothes. It’s an ironic combination suit and tie. The suit is there to make you powerful, but then the tie cuts it with vulnerability. Think about it: anyone could just grab it and strangle you at any moment. In case you thought you were free, there’s this reminder about who you belong to around your neck all the time.

Mark prides himself on his sharp appearance, and has made a point of investing in a nice wardrobe to maintain it. If he’s going to do something, he’s going to do it well. He’s raised so much money in his career, he can even tell you what the different VCs wear. They all have different styles but none of them include ties. All of his fundraising and development work was done without one.

If you were wearing full tech regalia: teva sandals, shorts and a penguin t-shirt, would a tie build your trust? As for me and the wardrobe issue, I’ve pretty much planned my entire career around avoiding wearing hose, so I understand the aversion to something that feels restrictive.

Under the new tie edict, Mark faces the problem of the three-way business relationship: him, customer and boss. How do you serve all three?

Mark’s job is to deal with the outside world, listen understand what they want, and then bring that news back home to their company. You’d think that pleasing the customer would be the first order of his job. But then what do you do when the boss (a/k/a “manager”) wants something else? Who’s your daddy?

Unlike the Parade contingent, Daddy–I mean the boss–didn’t make clear to Mark that he was in for this kind of relationship when they first met. Interviewing and all the early dates went smoothly and expectations were set. It’s the oldest recruiting tactic in the book. Get someone who’s task-oriented excited about the task, and knee deep in work flow, and then assert domination.

The boss isn’t boosting sales, making the business run better or trying to keep his customers happy. How shall we say it? He’s just……..er, getting off.

It makes me think about the guys in the Parade with their leather paraphenalia. Maybe it’s time for Mark’s boss to come clean and come out of his own closet. I’m sure he’ll be surprised to find he has lots of company in the world of business bondage.

If Mark’s boss were to get honest about why he wants Mark to wear the tie, I have an idea that might keep them happy and the relationship humming. Mark can simply wear it under his suit, and it can be their little secret together.